I have friends who have gone through a divorce with very small children and it was difficult - emotionally, logistically, physically. The process also transformed them. I was excited to meet Nikki Bruno, the founder of The Epic Comeback™, an organization that helps people stage “epic comebacks” from life-shattering experiences such as high-conflict divorce, illness, and loss, and speak with her about her experiences.
Nikki has gone through a high conflict divorce with small children and came through the other side as a vibrant woman inspired to help other women find their inner radiance. The Epic Comeback™ was founded on the premise that “trauma, while extraordinarily stressful and painful, can also be the source of immense growth, wisdom, success, and joy.” I want to share some of her expertise for moms who might be going through a divorce with small children, or are thinking of doing so, but also to simply remind all of you that you have the capacity to find happiness within no matter what your circumstances.
I would imagine that it might feel really scary to go through a divorce with young children, can you tell me a little bit about your experience?
Yes, it’s scary for sure. I went through a three-year-long, high-conflict divorce. The process began when our children were 9 months old and 3 years old. It’s hard even to describe the loss, grief, and trauma. I lost my marriage, the narrative I thought my life would follow, half my time with my children, the support of a dual income, several friends. But there is treasure in trauma. Every now and then, even in the darkest moments, light shone through the cracks. Liberation. Freedom. Independence. A chance to start again.
What you would want a woman considering getting a divorce during this time to know?
To a woman who has young children and is considering divorce, I want you to know so many things. I could write a whole article about this. One, children are resilient, and they want YOU, their mom, to be happy. Your thriving and feeling joy is a HUGE part of their thriving and feeling joy. Two, divorce may be traumatic, but so are years of living in domestic tension or abuse. Three, you can do this—many of your friends and ancestors have endured hardship too—and there is relief and beauty and joy on the other side. Divorce is not a permanent state. Four, it’s okay to ask for help. In fact, I’d say that when you have young children, it’s your responsibility to get good support.
A post shared by Nikki Bruno (@theepiccomeback) on Dec 16, 2019 at 4:35pm PST
Can you tell me a little about the 3 pillars of Epic Comeback and what it means to reclaim your self, body and community?
When you go through divorce, especially a high-conflict divorce, the tension and shifts in power can really mess you up. We women are vulnerable to losing ourselves. We feel self-doubt. We’re questioning the fundamentals of our identity: Does this divorce mean I’m not a good wife, a good mother… or a good person? If our soon-to-be-former spouse is on the attack in court, it’s a million times worse. That’s why the Epic Comeback is about reclaiming your power and your identity—regaining (or building from scratch) your sacred relationship with yourself, your relationship with your body and your sexuality (after perhaps years of no sex or bad sex), and your relationships with the people in your life, which often become fractured by the divorce process.
I feel like reconnecting with your self and body, and to some extent your community, are challenging as it is after having children. Have you found there to be additional layers to your pillars for people with small children?
A post shared by Nikki Bruno (@theepiccomeback) on Mar 8, 2020 at 9:40pm PDT
I’d say women with small children are in a unique position of vulnerability and power. There’s a reason we all want to protect and defend mothers with small children, as it takes a TON of love, care, time, and energy to be a new mom. It’s sacred work. When you add divorce into the mix, for most women, it either brings them down or almost does. On the other hand, young moms are keenly, fully connected to a mama bear energy, and that stuff is stronger than any energy I’ve ever experienced. Don’t you even THINK of getting between a mama bear and her cubs. In some ways, new moms find it easier to drop a toxic or abusive spouse because they know it’s best to get out and move on. Women who have been married for longer, and whose domestic habits are more cemented, are weighed down a bit by inertia.
I’ve heard you speak to fitness as a tool for making an Epic Comeback, as a fitness professional this obviously interests me, tell me more :)
Fitness is the world's fastest short cut to staging an Epic Comeback. Regular workouts combat depression and anxiety, get happy chemicals going in your brain, help you feel sexy again, give you a kinetic outlet for strong divorce-related emotions like anger and sadness, and jack up your energy level. There’s nothing like a kickass workout to get your mojo flowing. When I decided to leave the grieving and victimhood behind and stage my comeback, I got into the best shape of my life through fitness and nutrition programs. Within a few weeks of starting those routines, I felt unstoppable. I was BACK.
I've also heard you talk about radical self-kindness - what are 3 things we could all do to cultivate this right now? Why is this important during/ after a divorce?
Self-compassion, also called self-kindness, is the highest form of self-care. It’s important during a divorce because the end of a marriage tends to bring up a lot of self-doubt and self-hatred. You’re a human being going through something very hard, and you deserve a break—and other people might not be giving you that break. Here are 3 ways to cultivate radical self-kindness:
1. Pretend your best friend is going through a divorce. How would you treat her? What advice would you give her? How would you recommend she spend her time? What kind of support would you give her? Now, turn all of that kindness, compassion, and loving advice onto yourself.
2. Meditate. Give yourself time to reflect. You could do this at home, in a place of worship, in nature—anywhere that promotes love and reflection.
3. Make a list of all the things that make you wonderful. Look at it every single day as a reminder that you are worthy of love and compassion.
Can you tell me a little bit about how someone might feel before going through a divorce, during and after, and also after they’ve completed your program?
Before going through a divorce, people often feel confused, conflicted, desperate, terrified, disappointed, sad, and indecisive. During a divorce, people often feel scared, enraged, lonely, heartbroken, self-doubting, extremely defensive or aggressive, overwhelmed, stressed, shocked, unstable, depressed, and anxious—OR, hopeful, relieved, optimistic, and liberated. After a divorce, people often feel relieved, lonely, overwhelmed, deflated, traumatized, dazed, beaten down—OR, hopeful, relieved, optimistic, and liberated. After completing my program, people often feel free, liberated, empowered, focused, purposeful, confident, filled with mojo, and like they’ve staged an epic comeback.
What could someone expect from taking part in your program?
A post shared by Nikki Bruno (@theepiccomeback) on Oct 3, 2019 at 9:10am PDT
Our methodology, the 10-step Epic Comeback™ Journey, is based on my personal research of hundreds of real-life comeback case studies. Intellectually, our philosophy is guided by the concept of post-traumatic growth—the idea that trauma, while extraordinarily stressful and painful, can also be the source of immense growth, wisdom, success, and joy. I conduct the coaching via videoconference or phone and we continually work toward an agreed-upon overarching goal for the entire coaching engagement—usually about 6 months. I also offer group programs and have a podcast that features almost 100 guests who are living proof that it’s possible to come back in an EPIC way from unspeakably difficult situations.
Thank you so much, Nikki! Your expertise is invaluable for women going through divorce with small children, I really appreciate you taking the time to share this knowledge, and hope, with the community.